Sometimes a shopping trip, whether it be for food, clothes or a little bit of a window shop and lunch with children- is lovely. No tantrums, no fuss, in and out of every shop seamlessly. You may even start congratulating yourself on your divine skill and the fact that you have purchased everything you need with minimal fuss.
But stop right there…don’t get ahead of yourself. You idiot.
More often than not it is a complete nightmare, of epic fucking proportions.
As a mum of two boys I know what I’m talking about, so I thought I would try and give you a few helpful tips and hints.
Step one: Check the fridge, is there any wine in there?…..You will almost certainly need a bottle of something sharp when you have tucked the little ones in bed that evening. I suggest Pinot Grigio.
Idiotic; sarcastic comments from your partner passing judgement like:
“Oh you’ve been shopping again, you must have had a really hard day! I would love to spend my days shopping, but some of us have to work”.
This sort of scenario requires consumption of the full bottle and may even require the smashing of the empty over his head, you really won’t need his shit after the shopping trip of doom. Twat.
Always consider this- Do you actually NEED to go?
Only leave the house to go shopping with feral children if you really have to!
For example: when it’s too late to order online because you had forgotten about your great aunts birthday party and next day delivery is extortionate -or your kitchen cupboards are completely bare of anything with any nutritional value.
You must, must MUST take a list!!! Simple tip here but the most essential! Your brain has probably disintegrated into nothingness with all things children (mainly CBeebies, WWF wrestling and who punched who in the face). You need a well formulated plan, written down on actual paper so you don’t forget anything and have to make that awful trip twice!
If your child is small enough to fit in pram or a trolley…… Belting! (Quite literally)
You’re onto a winner here. Strap the buggers in. It’s so much easier to shop when you are actually looking at what you want to buy, instead of watching your child run off into the distance with sticky hands full of merchandise.
Make sure your handbag is fully stocked with goodies for the outing. You know, the the usual shit- Chocolate, crisps……..generally the stuff you wouldn’t normally feed your child in vast quantities. Feed as and when required!! Prepare for evil glares from earth mothers who can usually be found sipping soy iced lattes and feeding their kids dried organic lettuce leaves, or something else wildly inedible. Avoid handing out sweets to your beasts or anything E-number laced for that matter! You don’t want them running about off their bloody rockers. Just saying.
Distraction is a great technique. Who cares if your child is 18 months old, give them an iPad and get a bit of Peppa pig on the go. Marvellous! Screen time rules fly out of the window when you want to spend a good few hours in the Trafford centre picking up fashionable ‘essentials’. Just limit their ‘electronic device allowance’ for the rest of the day.
Don’t bother with the changing rooms. Absolute waste of time. Not only will the curtain be opened every two seconds (you may as well strip off on the shop floor), but your little angel will talk very loudly about your lack of boobs, fat arse and general unsightliness for everyone else to hear. Fabulous.
Hand sanitiser is an essential handbag requirement!
I harbour a severe phobia of public toilets, I like my own loo. I know who’s been on it, and that’s that.
Trying to wipe your toddlers bum in a space smaller than the boot of your car requires a particular set of skills. “Skills I have acquired over ten years of motherhood….”
They will have their hands everywhere, on the floor, in the sanitary towel bin and standard bathroom soap just won’t cut it.
Eat before you go out. There is absolutely no chance you will have that lovely lunch out, you know, like the one you always dream of. Even with the baby seemingly asleep in their pram. You know as soon as you tuck into that creamy forkful of carbonara… said baby will wake up screaming, causing a scene and your delicious food will go cold – you will undoubtedly end up a sweaty, quivering mess of a woman.
Bribery, for the older child, works like a charm.
“Listen, if you behave while we are out then I will buy you three packs of match attacks“, you may have to negotiate with the smarter cookie but this sort of affair generally seems to work wonders.
Last but not least:
Be prepared to forgive them..
They don’t mean to be little shits, and let’s face it- You don’t half love them!
Enjoy your Retail ‘Therapy’,
Own photos edited with Animal face app. Quotes created with Typorama. Cover photo copyright free.