Feral Hangover Survival 101
Clara here! I am writing this with probably the worst hangover I’ve had this year. Possibly even this decade.
My feet are throbbing and swollen from high Heels, I’ve got the remnants of last nights make up on my face, my hair smells of Eau De Marlboro light and I’ve got a third degree burn on my hand- with no recollection of how it got there…. I do not possess ‘The Gift’.
On top of all this, a friend has just sent me this photograph capturing my misdemeanours……..shit.
So, all in all I’m basically feeling pretty shitty.
This is not my first feral hangover and by God it won’t be my last. So if like me, you need a hangover coping strategy- Have a read. (Disclaimer: you may never completely overcome it, but you can give it a bloody good go!)
1. Fresh air. Now don’t be fucking outrageous- I don’t mean going for a hike. Just open the bloody window or something.
2. Get a McDonald’s! Whether a Maccies in the morning for a McMuffin meal or later on in the day for double cheeseburgers (Note the plural). This has a 75% hangover cure rate. Fact. You can’t mess with those numbers. Make sure you have a full fat coke; diet coke has no impact, I feel ashamed for people who order it. Ignore the McDonald’s haters, they are obviously morons. Please note, it is perfectly acceptable to order three cheeseburgers for yourself, just stick one in your bag for later if need be.
3. Drink caffeine. Now I have to have a brew first thing or I start twitching uncontrollably. When I’m hanging out of my arse (like today) I use a bigger mug (looks more like a small mixing bowl) and two teabags. (Mr J has been plotting to confiscate this mug for years!) This will give you the extra boost you need for the day.
4. Fluids. If you are medical and can insert an IV for this, I envy you.
It’s a boring tip and I sound like my mother but it really helps. Amelie swears by alternating a gallon of orange lucozade and water. I’m more of a squash girl but whatever floats your hangover boat! Nothing worse than a mouth like Gandhi’s flip flop.
5. Try to block out ‘The Horrors’, believe me they will hit you like a smack in the tits at some point during the day.
Just repeat the mantra- “Everyone was more pissed than me, they won’t remember.” If this isn’t true, lie to yourself.
6. Give all your usual responsibilities to your other half. Do not accept no for an answer. You wont be capable of anything important or difficult. If your other half won’t clean the house or look after the kids for the day- it’s perfectly acceptable to bribe him with sexual favours if he is reluctant. (Just don’t sign a contract, you wouldn’t want to actually have to fulfil the promise).
7. Smash in a load of paracetamol (Well within maximum dose limitations like). Aldi do a cracking pack of paracetamol for 19p. I usually have a couple when I wake up and then a couple more throughout the day.
This eliminates the feeling that someone has thrown bricks at your head.
8. Have a shower or a bath. No one likes a smelly bitch; clean body- clean mind. Well that’s the dream.
9. Watch crap-time TV. Get yourself immersed in some sort of box set or a few films. The goal is to forget your current dire situation.
10. Have a positive mental attitude. Do not randomly state that you will never drink again- because you will, there is no point in lying about this (Freya constantly pisses us off by saying she will never drink again when she’s hungover, when in reality she is actually the biggest alcoholic of us all.)
Focus on the hilarious parts of your night out and how much fun you had, rather than how rancid you feel. Mind over matter, know what I’m saying lads.
11. Get back on it. The answer to all your problems is a foundation wine! Honestly this really is the best remedy of them all.
It’s all about hair of the dog.
Happy Hangover Healing!
Animal head images created with ‘Animal face’ app. Quotes created with Typorama and Vanillapen. Cover photo copyright free.