A guide to who’s who in the school playground


Playground politics….

I’ve been waiting for the mini-ferals in school playgrounds for the past six years. (Not continuously obviously!)

Mostly minding my own business and getting the job in hand done. I don’t really talk to many people, aside from a little polite chit chat. On first glance, I am a bit of a miserable cow; my resting bitch face is probably not that approachable. Apart from all that I’m actually an OK sort.
In the last year or so I have made a couple of friends through school, don’t get me wrong they are not A-Listers; but a few women that actually understand my sarcastic sense of humour and don’t judge me when I walk up to school after a boozy Cheshire housewives style lunch. I have my feral pals to tell my deepest darkest secrets to, and this suits me just fine.

I’ve observed that everybody fits into a certain group. I’ve even taken Amelie along to observe and study this phenomenon, and assist in the classification.

Do you remember in high school biology? Classifying species? Taxonomy? Well it’s a bit like that! I have devised these categories myself but I think you will be able to relate..


To my knowledge, there are eight classifications….

The Busy bitch

Don’t confuse the busy bitch with someone who could be your mate she is just a full on nosy cow who wants to reveal your secrets to the entire universe and beyond. This specimen makes pointed statements that require you to ask her more about herself. She loves to tell you her life story in great detail. A bit like those annoying sorts on Facebook that write “Having a bad day” or “OMG I could scream!” so that everybody has to ask why. E.g. “You ok Hun?”
Basically a attention seeking whore and an annoying pest. Keep your wits about you.


The Mate

Ahhh these are your pals. Kindred spirits. Sometimes you really can make true friends, hard to believe really.
I’m not going to lie though-it will be exceptionally hard work to find these. You’ll need to put the hours in.
Firstly you must make sure they are not telling everyone your shit. Perhaps test them with a bit of non-damaging gossip and see how far it gets. Once their ‘non-busy’ status is confirmed, feel free to catch up with them outside of the playground for a cuppa or even a wine! You can tell them all about your feral antics at the weekend and how much of a little shit the young feral has been without judgement. Never to be confused with the ‘busy bitch’, who will just want to tease you into thinking that you are buddies, then talk to every Tom, Dick or Harry about you, behind your back.


The Childminder

Like an intrepid dog walker, the child minder will arrive confidently with a pack of small children tethered to her by leashes. She will be suited like a climbing instructor, carabiners and leads aplenty ready to hook the rest of her charges up to the rabble.
She may or may not also have a giant pram, filled with babies and will never engage in small talk.
The childminder is focused, will have nerves of steel, muscles like Popeye and be a God damn hero of a woman.
We salute you!


The Frump

Heavily embroiled in the PTA, earth mothers who think it’s child abuse to feed their child sugar. Can usually be found wearing knee-high wedged boots, body warmers, a cagoule or ‘outdoor shop’ attire paired with a denim skirt. They wear their hair in the same style every day; proudly displaying salt and pepper around the crown. Not a scrap of make up in sight.
I have had lots of stupid comments made to me over the years from these sorts of mums. A great example is “I knew YOU wouldn’t read the newsletter!” I would love the woman in question to elaborate on what she actually meant by this, but mostly I’m just glad I’m not an absolute twat like her.


The Gobshite

Can be heard bellowing across the playground at ear splitting volumes! You will almost certainly hear the gobshite before you see her. This one is always overly nice to her offspring. Every other sentence will be about how much she loves them and how she just cannot wait for 3:15pm!
Oh look at me, I’m fucking super mum! Look at how lovely I am, surely I’m the best mum in the playground?!
It’s unnerving if you ask me. Just not natural. As if she doesn’t spend the mornings, evenings and weekends screaming like a banshee like the rest of us . Personally, I wouldn’t mind them being in class until 5pm, gives me time to have a little nap after my busy day of chores.
Gobshites can also be found bragging and talking about their job/car/holiday/arseholes so loudly that anyone within a half a mile radius knows the ins and outs of their amazing life.
If I wanted to know, I would’ve asked. Now pipe down gobshite!

The 20 kids and counting

Can usually be spotted arriving at school like the Pied Piper; with a stream of kids behind them, ten or so minutes after everyone else. Usually sporting a double buggy complete with pyjama clad children, who may or may not be eating a Greggs sausage roll for breakfast. Arrival in a car (or likely a people-carrier) will almost certainly guarantee a parking spot on the chevrons right outside the school gate.
These specimens often use foul and abusive language within range of little ears and may frequently boast about the most disturbing of things, like who they ‘banged out’ in the local at the weekend. Don’t talk to them, don’t cross them, don’t go near them. Just steer clear.

The Dads

There are two sorts of dad.
The first type (the vast majority) do not communicate with anyone. They will avoid all eye contact while nervously checking their watch. Just wanting to get in and out and avoid any of the bizarre and/or boring conversations going on around them. He will grab the kids as soon as their feet hit the tarmac and skidaddle.
Every once in a blue-moon you will come across a dad that thinks he’s pretty darn fine. ‘Loving’ you off at any given opportunity. “Hiya love” “You ok love?” He thinks he’s gods gift and will flirt with any mum, childminder or grandmother in sight. Which is fine, but nobody likes a cocky fucker and I personally really hate getting called love by strangers.
This dad peacocks it about and thinks he’s best mates with all the other dads, slapping them on the backs and declaring that they will have to go for a drink soon. Nobody likes that many people, know what I mean.


The Grandparent

Bewildered and possibly confused, the Grandparent will dash into the playground (as fast as their ‘mature’ joints will allow) thinking they are late. Glancing left and right to ensure they are in the right place.
Sweets and chocolates in hand, they may seem overly excited and will be ready to spoil their grandchildren away from the prying eyes of their own children.
These are the only playground collectors I have observed to receive a genuine, raucous welcome from the children, for obvious reasons.

Have you come across any more species of caregiver found in the playground?
If so, comment below we would love to hear about them!

Love Freya and Amelie




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32 thoughts on “A guide to who’s who in the school playground

  1. Can I share one?
    The Teachers Pet
    This foul creature has absolutely confidence in their parenting ability. Rather than getting on with it like the rest of us meer mortals and hoping we don’t permanently scar the little blighters for life, she requires a daily dose of attention from her off-spring’s teacher. Regailing the teacher at 3pm with tales of how Flossy did so well with her reading last night and then slept angelically, this bragging bitch sets up the unarmed teacher to praise their brilliant parenting skills, thus fanning the flames of their fragile ego. Avoid avoid avoid!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Haha!! Amazing!! My children aren’t at school yet, and I’ve been dreading playground mum wars (I was terrified to once read that as an adult, the place you are most likely to be bullied is picking up your children from school…??!) but I’m getting hardened to the idea, and will probably take the royal p**s out of the whole thing like this!! I also suffer from the perils of resting bitch face-it’s a real blight isn’t it?! It used to get me into trouble at school-the teachers always accused me of giving them evils! I was always constantly asked by other girls in clubs if I was looking for a fight-no, I’m not, I can’t help the arrangement of my effing face, get over it!!!!! My favourite of these descriptions is The Frump-because I wrote a post about the most annoying mum I know, who fit this description exactly!! Never seen without her denim skirt and north face/Barbour jacket or body warmer! Always telling me my children have a terrible diet, and that I’m not doing this/that/the other right… Grrr!! I will look forward to categorising my fellow playground parents when the time comes!!


  3. This is a brilliant post! I hated the playground and have never been happier than when daughter 4 had her last day at primary school last year. I wasn’t one of the mums who were crying (tears of joy maybe). Your descriptions are so comprehensive, I’m not sure I can add anyone. Thank you for giving me a laugh and for being so observant and accurate!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh yes, you’ve nailed it with this post. Very funny indeed! I wrote a post about the school gaters but I wasn’t as brave as you! There is the ‘vague’ Aunty and even more vacant Uncle, she will probably be wearing orange with oversized beeds and he’ll be wearing wide leg jeans. And what about the vintage retro Mum who might be rocking a bit of a 70s look or rockabilly dress and red lipstick. I loved your ‘frump’ – spot on!! tres hilaire 🙂 #chucklemums


  5. Haha, I love this. We have “Uber-Co-ordinated Gym Bitch” at our school. Bright lycra must match manicures and lipstick also. Often reappears at home time as Over-Dressed bitch in 4 inch stilettos…#chucklemums
    PS our badge is broken – try the one on my page and I’ll get Fran to fix hers!


  6. Excellent post…will have to bear this in mind….Im the hardly there mum…..work stupid shifts so not there everyday and when I am there Ill be the one with the bags under my eyes looking like Ive been dragged through a hedge backward and will probably forget to read newsletters or sign permission slips. 😊


    1. That sounds like me….
      I think there should definitely be a category for ‘Working Mum’.
      Always looks slightly stressed and usually seen sprinting back to her car as soon as kids are deposited in the playground. Working mum is already late for her first meeting when she gets to the playground. By the time she’s left the house in the morning she has already done about 4 hours worth of housework and washing and looks on with envy at the other mums calmly chatting at the school gate as if they had all the time in the world. The other mums think she is a bit superior and she’s better than everyone else because she still has a career. But that’s not true, it’s just that she doesn’t get to hang around at school very much and feels like everyone else seems to know each other so much better than she does.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Haha this is brilliant! I’ve got all this to come in a few years. I apparently have the opposite to Resting bitch face, I have a face that every weirdo wants to bloody talk to! Sod off! Must get practicing my RBF….. X

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ha! My kids have started in reception and pre school this week and it’s my first foray into playground politics. So far I’m pretty quiet and just taking in my surroundings. I won’t be able to think of anything but these categories now…. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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