How NOT to Resign

A friend of mine recently left her job, a job she absolutely loathed and it got me to thinking….. Let’s have a bit of fun with this.

We’ve all been there. Drafting up a resignation letter is hard, really fucking hard. There are no words that actually seem to convey what you would like or need to say and you just find yourself focusing on that all important reference.

So here’s what society expects you to write (and what most ‘mentally-stable’ individuals will hand over), while gushing apologetically in that truly British way of ours:

 

Option One

Dear Boss,
It is with deep regret that I inform you that this is my formal 4 weeks notice of resignation, from my current post as…..(insert job title).
My last day will be on …..(4 weeks from today).
I would like to take this opportunity to warmly thank you for the opportunity to work for this fantastic company and for your unfounding support over the years.
I wish you every success in the future.

Kind regards,
Yours Sincerely,

A dreadfully polite and grateful employee

………………………………………………………………………………

 

I mean, that’s what you write isn’t it? Damn straight it is, because what you’re mostly thinking is:

“I need that reference and minimal drama.”
But just for shits and giggles here’s what you actually want to write….

 

Option Two

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Dear Horrendous Fuckface,
It is with intense satisfaction and joy that I can now inform you to stick your poxy fucking job up your rich fat hippo arse! I am giving you 4 weeks notice, not because I want to.. But because I’m contractually forced to and I can’t afford to be royally screwed out of my salary this month by you and your horrible rich cronies.
My last day will be on ….(4 weeks from today)…. And I’m telling you now, with God as my witness, I will be getting absolutely fucking wasted on Jagerbombs and partying like it’s 1999 on that day. I can’t bastard wait!
I would love to tell you it’s been a pleasure, but I can’t because in reality I’ve hated every twatting minute of working for you. You arrogant bitch! The company is absolute dogshit and you have been as supportive towards me as a non-underwired bra.
I hope you get tapeworms and die.

Yours ungratefully,
An unmercifully honest ‘soon to be’ ex-employee

Ps- All your staff hate you. Just saying.

………………………………………………………………………………

 

So my advice to you is stick with option one. Handwrite option two for your own venting pleasure, read it a few times for a laugh then burn it thoroughly. You don’t want that shit getting into the wrong hands.

The moral of the story is, you have got to enjoy the work you do and it helps to like the staff especially the boss! If something doesn’t sit right, life’s too short- start that Google job search, draft that resignation letter and move on to bigger, better and happier things! Whilst forever basking in the glory of knowing that while your ex-boss was a giant dickhead, you were the better person; hiding your darkest, innermost thoughts and still managing to get that killer reference. Winning.

Lots of Love,
Amelie

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Pink Pear Bear

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24 thoughts on “How NOT to Resign

  1. Option 2 can be SO tempting – but then there’s the matter of that all-important reference. I once worked in an office where a guy got so fed up that he just left in the middle of the day and never came back. How often have we all wanted to do that? #chucklemums

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  2. An old boss of mine was notoriously bad at accepting people’s resignations. So bad, that he is known for throwing his shoe at one person and suing another. I was, subsequently, horrendously nervous at handing in my notice despite having fulfilled the 2-year contract I was on, plus a few extra months. True to form, he told me he “thought I’d had a better upbringing than that” and told me to leave immediately (thank god). I dashed out of there as quickly as I could! I definitely should have composed a letter like the 2nd one, that might have shut him up a bit.
    #chucklemums

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  3. Haha, amazing! I can think of several jobs where I would have used option two! Luckily a few for option one too though. Your badge isn’t working for some reason – there’s code on my page as well if you want to see if that works…Fran! Sort your code out! Thanks for linking up to #chucklemums

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sorry for the late reply, husband and I have gone away for he weekend with no phones and no babies! I love this post! It’s so, so true. I hate hate HATE my job and I would love to resign with the second letter. Unfortunately, I am poor and can’t afford to but one day I will be in a position to do it haha! Thank you for joining #prettyinplaydough linky, I hope to see you next week!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. ‘The company is absolute dog shit’ hahahaahaha…

    I actually resigned once by saying ‘I have to because the manager is a pervert’ how very Bridgette Jones of me. I still asked for a reference too.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ooh, what a cracker of a letter. Whilst tapeworms are a tempting wish for one particular person I worked for, I actually think that whatever my dog had last month which I was clearing up for three whole fucking days would be much nastier. Not quite the same ring to it though!
    #chucklemums

    Liked by 1 person

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