Fuck my life!
The same week Mr Feral goes away with work is the very same week my eldest son gets shown a sex education video at school!
We have always agreed that Mr Feral would be the one leading the discussion on all things sex, when the time was right. With us having two boys we thought this was probably the most sensible solution, and of course I would be there if need be.
As a family we have an open honesty policy, so if the young Feral’s ask a question we always answer it as honestly as we possibly can (within age appropriate limitations!)
A classic example of this is when the eldest child proclaimed on holiday that:
‘Grandad had taken him to a strip club’.. Well you can imagine my face; I nearly choked on my sangria!
“Oh yeah when we were in Manchester once”
– he was obviously completely unaware of what a strip club was and was angling for an insight!
“I don’t think so love you have to be eighteen to go in there“, I said.
“Well, what is it?” questioned young feral.
“Who have you heard talking about it?” I asked.
(Shout out to all the older boys at football here! Little twats!)
“Well, a strip club is like a pub and sometimes women dance in there with no clothes on” I offered.
Queue the uncontrollable laughter from the miniatures.
“So now you know, don’t tell anyone else grandad has taken you there, because he might get arrested!”
-picturing my old man getting carted off, protesting in his slippers!
But anyway, I digress. Back to the matter in hand. I just really wasn’t ready for the sex chat with my nearly-ten year old.
When he came running out of school last week excitedly saying he had watched a video in school, I knew this could only mean one thing. Shit! (Young feral never let’s on about what’s happened at school, it’s like trying to get blood out of a stone usually!)
I tentatively asked him what it was about, and he told me it was about sex. Upon further quizzing, he told me it was about
“Eggs and sperm and blood!”
Which just sounds vile when put like that. I think he meant periods, but who knows. Jesus Christ!
Not wanting to press any further in the presence of his little brother, I thought I would carry on the chat later, when we didn’t have innocent little ears listening in.
The chat never came, with one thing or another. After school clubs, teatime and the fight to get them showered and in bed without losing my absolute shit. You know how it goes. It was all forgotten about, until later on in the evening when Mr C rang to see if I had managed to refrain from killing the children that day. I filled him in on the day’s activities and of course ‘video gate’. Promising to tackle the subject tomorrow.
Young feral wasn’t at the age for a serious chat, just a chat to make sure he understood the basics. It’s a funny one really, he’s still my little baby. And according to my mate who works in a high school, the chats she overhears in Year 7 and 8 these days are definitely not the same chats we were having when we were at school. Know what I mean. Scares me to death.
Times are changing but I think little feral is too young to know all of it just yet.
At his age I was still collecting snails and terrified of ‘Are you afraid of the dark’ on Nickelodeon. Thinking back I can actually remember Amelie and I at nine, reading pony magazines and pretending worms were snakes in my back garden. The world is just…different now.
I casually brought the video up again whilst in the car.
“So tell me some more about that video in school?”
Again, cue him laughing his head off…….
“I’m never doing it, it’s disgusting, horrible, I can’t believe it. I’m never ever having a baby because it’s just horrid.”
“Have Nan and Grandad done that?!“, like a lightbulb had switched on in his head.
“Well yes! How do you think Nan has me and Uncle J?”
“What?! Grandad did that?!!!! But he hates Nan! He’s always shouting at her for drinking wine and buying cardigans!” (This actually made me hysterical with laughter! The things kids say!)
He sat thinking about that, when another lightbulb moment occurred…
“Have you and dad done it?”
“Yes, that’s how we got you and your brother.”
“Oh my god!!! No wonder dad doesn’t want another baby if he has to do that again” he exclaimed in absolute horror!
I think he’s a bit too young to tell him people have sex for fun, his head might have exploded. Bless him.
More questions were asked:
“What happens if the man needs a wee?”
“How many holes does a ‘V-China’ have?”
“How big is the sperm, like a tadpole?”
I asked him more about the video, but it was quite hard to understand what was exactly in it, through the fits of giggles and random back-tracking of stories. He did say there were people on the video having sex. I’m no teacher, but I find it hard to believe that the school would show nine years olds a hardcore porno.
He eventually told me ‘they were cartoons hugging and kissing’. Thank absolute fuck for that.
I began to wonder whether the video told the children about actual intercourse and if it wasn’t just one of these ‘changes in your body’ lessons. Young feral does spin a good tale in order to find out as much information as he can..but all I know is that he knows now. That will be a pleasant chat with his class teacher…..when he has filled the whole class in on his newly found out information, when all they’d had was a lesson in puberty. Shit.
He told me that he’s known for ages, Lydia, a little shit in his class had told him all about it months ago.
So anyway, that’s how it went! My child is totally disgusted by it all! I can’t thank the school enough for their efforts. You have throughly put him off ever having sex. Job well done. Couldn’t have done it any better myself. Result.
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We won a little award for this one 🙂