Here’s a few Vegas tips!
A lot of people see Vegas as just a gamblers paradise. This is so not true! I can’t gamble for shit, and I’ll give it a go for 5-10 minutes and then I want to do something else because I usually don’t win anything. So don’t think that’s all there is to it.. There’s so much more to do and see!
However here are some inside tips for enjoying your Vegas trip!
The Heat- Kill me now
Oh my god it’s August and it’s so fucking hot there- everything feels like it’s on fire and I just can’t breathe in it. I was in a taxi the other day telling the driver that I was roasting and he had the cheek to say it wasn’t hot, as “it’s only forty degrees, it’s gonna be forty-nine tomorrow!” What a dick head. Hated him.
Anyway, the heat is obviously widely discussed. However, not for one godforsaken moment does any bugger mention chafing! Jesus Christ the burn! It’s like no other!!! I’m a size 12 (sometimes a 14 in winter, you know how it is) and I have always chafed round my lady parts, and the top of my thighs like to get involved too. It’s excruciating!! Christ alive. And yet still, no one talks about it. I whack talc on at the start of the day and sudocrem at night and I’m still fucked. For those that have been lucky enough to swerve this affliction, let me describe the feeling: It’s like someone has burnt you with a hot iron and constantly rubs it with sandpaper, over and over. Then sets you on fire….and then rubs salt into it… with a serrated knife.
My body tends to shut down in the heat, it shouts…
”Clara what the fuck are you doing here you’re supposed to be eternally pasty for fucks sake!”
I get humongous cold sores, heat rashes, severe sun burn; the lot. It’s usually a source of great amusement to the other feral girls. HA-de-fucking-HA!
Factor 50 all the way kids. And as for the embarrassing afore-mentioned- if you have any other anti-chafe tips for me that would be great! But be prepared for chafage! You could be next!
OK as a Brit, if I’ve been out for a meal, had a bit of banter with the waiter or waitress and my carbonara was on point, they get a few extra quid. If I don’t tip for a meal, it’s a poor to distinctly below average experience. I’ve grown up on this method. So what the fuck is this tipping thing Americans do every time they buy something? I’m not being funny but if I’ve ordered a fizzy pop you ain’t getting an extra $5 off me. I’d rather go behind the bar and pour it myself.
Taxi drivers are the absolute worst, they fully fume if you give them anything under $2 for a tip! Even when they haven’t even made any conversation with you! How rude. It’s my money, I want to decide where it goes. I’m not tight, honest!
Here’s a tip for them ‘Don’t wipe your arse on a broken bottle!’
Leaving the hotels- Can I stay?
Is it just me, or is it really hard to leave any big hotel on the strip? Cosmopolitan, Bellagio, Mirage, Aria? It’s like there’s a subliminal voice in the air whispering seductively..
“Don’t leave, more bars and slots over here.”
I find it so hard to find an exit sign in Vegas. Compounded with the fact that many of the hotels have such a wonderful smell (I’m thinking mostly about you MGM grand)! When you leave, you just miss the smell and want to go back to it. Strange but true.
Myself and Mr J constantly talk about the smell and feel of Vegas and how much we miss it when we’re not there. You can’t even smell fags and everyone smokes inside! It’s truly magical. The atmosphere and the constant humdrum of the slot machines is also hypnotic. Some of the chairs even vibrate…
Bartenders become your best friends….
People think you are fabulous and interesting….
You will never want to leave.
This isn’t a tip, more of a warning.
Power naps- Everyone needs beauty sleep.
Never underestimate how tired you will become in Vegas. Most visitors have full-on spirits at 10am with their breakfast buffet and no one bats an eyelid. That’s what Vegas is about. You can go hard or you can go home. Well not home, but back to the hotel room like.
Vegas is so big and there’s so much to see that you are literally fucked, every single day. There’s no shame in a power hour! Just make sure you set your alarm and get back up.
Many of the clubs make you pay about €3K for a seating area and drinks so unless you are rich or make friends with rich people you are definitely going to be stood up for most of the night. This works for me as I love spending most of the night dancing like a twat, as long as I’ve had my nap I’m good to go, all night!
Also, drinking in the sunshine can be fatal and increase the likelihood of your ‘power hour’ turning into more of a ‘power five hours’, remember this! You have been warned! Don’t waste too much time in bed- I know the freshly made King-size is inviting!
Shortage of Prosecco- you can’t be a Prosecco whore in Vegas!
Now, I love Vegas until I die. But my other love is prosecco, and for some reason these two do not go hand in hand. Hardly anywhere has it, by this I mean almost nowhere. When you get your free drinks around the slot machines you’re looking at an average Chardonnay (it’s free though, apart from the tip, so just get it down you ASAP so you can have another)!
When there is Prosecco available, it’s usually in the higher end bars in hotels and it ain’t cheap lads. The cheapest I paid was $15 (not including the tip) and the most I paid was $22 in 1 OAK. I didn’t even tip in 1 OAK, I just ran from the bar! I mean you can get a whole bottle for a fiver in Aldi right?
So fellow Prosecco lovers, I would find another drink to frequent in Vegas, but don’t ask me what because I just drank shit Chardonnay or overpriced Prosecco.
Enjoy your trip!
Anyway, if you are going to Vegas, I am jealous! Even after visiting four times, I still plan to go back and do more. I wish Vegas was closer, just a few hours plane ride away would be ideal!
If you like shows, Elvis, walking, sightseeing, bungee-jumping, gambling, partying, sunbathing or even just people-watching – Vegas is the place for you!
To be honest Vegas is just utterly feral. That’s why I love it.
All images copyright free. Quotes-Typorama. Edited with Animal face app.