The Accidental Childminder

First posted in ‘Life, Love and Dirty Dishes’

Amelie and I had too much fun writing this for the ‘Rookie Mistakes‘ series!

Enjoy!

I’m in a very fortunate position as a parent. I’m lucky enough to be a stay-at-home mum and run the household, while Mr C goes out and works his cock off to provide for us all. My two boys are now in school (Hallelujah!) So that leaves me with the house to myself for most of the day.

While some might call me a lazy feral cow, I always manage to fill my days to the brim with various different things (watching box sets, going to the gym or shopping, as Mr C likes to think), sometimes I even squeeze in a bit of cleaning. Stay at home mums, you know the drill.

My partner works very unpredictable hours and is often away; leaving me to juggle the numerous after school clubs, tea times, bath times and bed times. We rarely have a free night in our house, what with one thing or another. Occasionally when an opening becomes available in our busy schedule, I ‘might’ let the children invite friends over after school for tea. This is often (well honestly, it’s always) the last thing I want to do on our only free evening at home. I would rather just chill out and praise jesus for not having to run about here, there and everywhere for once. I’d like to open the wine at 4 o’clock, use those Lush bath bombs someone bought me back in 2011 and maybe even leisurely shave my legs (with actual shaving foam and everything).

But the kids enjoy having their friends over, and I’m not the Antichrist so I often bite the bullet, swallow my bile and ask if they would like a friend over after school. It’s a good job I love them.

I have recently learned, to my misfortune, that my kindness in this matter has become my Achilles heel.

Not only does World War III usually ensue between my sons when they don’t want the other sibling playing with ‘their’ friend, leaving me desperately trying to hold my shit together whilst struggling not to reach for the Pinot Grigio. But, occasionally the odd parent really does take the piss!

Now, I’m always up for lending a hand where I can. So on ‘ONE OFF’ occasions I will agree to watch their child because their childminder can’t be arsed or the grandparents are going to Skegness for the week, I’m a little smasher like that. I must stress I don’t offer, I get asked. I’m not Mary Poppins for fucks sake.

Here’s the clincher though, what I really can’t cope with- is getting asked by the same mum ALL THE TIME!

First….. maybe even the second time in the space of a month I was tolerant of it all. David seemed a lovely little chap, it’s wasn’t a problem.

Well, now… it is a huge epic problem of gigantic fucking proportions because little David has now turned into the devil incarnate, he basically lives at our house and has well and truly made himself too comfortable for my liking.

He gives me lip, poos on the toilet seat in protest and I’m also pretty sure he is leading my children prematurely into a life of petty crime.

Not only that but he steadfastly refuses any of my nutritional offerings; declining tea, savoury snacks and fruit. I can’t even tempt him with chocolate or ice cream. ICE CREAM!! He’s eight!! I just don’t trust this behaviour in a child. It’s irregular.

Mum is now asking me to mind him on such a regular basis, I might have to start charging her. I’m drafting an invoice as we speak, adding an extra fee for emotional torment.

If only I’d known what my innocent agreements would lead to! Shoulda woulda coulda, hey? I can almost hear Beverley Knight singing to me now…

Next time, I want to be brave. I want to paint my face blue and shout ‘Freedom’ in a kilt. I want to politely decline and say I’m washing my hair or watching paint dry. I just want to be free.

So that’s my rookie mistake guys! Don’t make this schoolboy error and look after someone else’s child out of the goodness of your heart. You may end up like me, trapped in unpaid work and psychological distress; as the accidental childminder.

Love Freya

xx

Typorama used for quotes!!!

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