How the fuck will I survive a Zombie apocalypse?

In honour of the Season 7 premiere of The Walking Dead and Halloween… I thought I’d republish my zombie apocalypse thoughts (originally posted on Facebook) into the blog. A serious bit of literature you understand.

You don’t have to be a TWD fan to appreciate my quandary so please do read on…TWD…. That’s ‘The Walking Dead’ for those of you that don’t speak ‘obsessive series watcher’ language.
I’ve always had a few nagging inner questions about what I would do on the dawning of a zombie apocalypse….

Let’s begin…


1.Where the absolute fuck would I get a gun from?


We ain’t living in America so I can’t just run out and pick up a piece from KMart or whatever, you know like they do…

I can just see myself in KMart…

Bread- check


Wine- check

Sawn off shotgun- check


2.So what will I do?

Now ever since I started watching TWD I started noticing ‘Gunneries’ here and there…(pretty sure that’s not even a word) but they are so far away that they’d almost certainly be empty by the time I got there, plus I’d probably be dead through lack of a decent weapon, combat training and/or petrol.


Also, I’m worried about the noise of a gun anyway …everyone knows that noise attracts them. Duh.


So that means, I will have to get a crossbow. Like Daryl….


3.Where in the name of blue fuck do you get a crossbow?


4.Also…how do you work it?

5.and…What happens when you can’t get your arrows back?

I need to know how to get the arrows back for those times when you are being swarmed by the undead and have to run like Billio.


NOW…do you see my dilemma… I’m posing some very serious questions here.

I’ve a zest for life like no other and I could hold my own in a battle….Hell, I even think I could do a bit of ninja work, kick them in the bollocks and what not, but from what I understand about zombies they ain’t bothered about their genitals and they just keep coming, even if you chop bits off. They’re fucking solid like.



The odds are seriously stacked against me.

I think it might be better to just cut my losses, stock up on wine and wait for it to blow over.
If drinking fails or gets boring, I did put on a pretty impressive ‘Thriller’ dance performance in a high school show – I will just bang those moves out once again. You know, to blend in.


Feel free to share your strategy!


A very unprepared Amelie


imageTyporama for quotes.

copyright free images-Pixabay.

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