The Absolute Crackers kids come out with…#*$*

Over the years the young ferals have had me in stitches! I think I have bred two absolute comedy genius’.

Kids say the funniest things don’t they?!
I mean seriously funny. I bloody love it when a little gem pops out of their innocent mouths.
First thing I do is tell the other feral ladies Amelie and Clara via our whattsapp group. And secondly, I make a note of it cause I will probably forget by the time Mr C gets home – he can’t use his phone at work- so I save up the gems for him.
Sometimes the stuff they say is in the most inappropriate places. I physically can’t cope. It’s usually at the top of their lungs too. The oldest mini feral speaks so loud I had to take him for an ear test at the age of four because I thought he was partially deaf! I shit you not! Fuck all wrong with his ears too it seems…

We’ve had some corkers over the years so I thought I would compile a list. In no particular order by the way, just in the way I remembered them.


This is a good one from the other day…..
It was half term, and we were seriously running low on ideas that don’t cost the earth, so we decided, as a family to walk to Nan and grandad ferals up the road via the pub. Genius.
Mr C fancied a beer! He doesn’t usually drink. I know you’re all thinking “what a boring twat” but seriously he has to keep fit for his job. Anyway, when I get a chance to drink WITH someone rather than on my own, I jump at it!
So,there we are having a nice civilised drink in the pub. Playing the yes/no game and that game where you have to guess which famous person the other is. You know the score, when the youngest child starts talking about ‘Willies’ ! Honestly, they love anything to do with willies, poo and arseholes. Could easily talk about them all day.

Most of the time I just ignore it (I remember my brother and I laughing our heads off about trumps and the like when we were children, so I cut them some slack) I normally overhear it and think I would rather them have a chat like that than beating the holy hell out of eachother, know what I mean.
So in the pub……..
“You’ve got a willy on your nose”

“You’ve got a willy on your eyelash”

“You’ve got a willy in your eye”

This is a new game they have devised whereby you tell the other person they have a willy on a particular part of their body…. great!

Trying to shut them up because everyone is starting to look.

When the youngest feral points at me and shouts,


“You have a willy hanging out of your mouth!”


Well that was it, I was laughing as much as them!!!

Fucking brilliant if not a touch embarrassing.



Now I’m not ashamed to admit it but I have zero boobies! Not joking around either. I reckon I could get a boob job on the NHS if I wanted. I almost considered getting one once – but I’m not that fucking distraught by it! So I decided against it. I only don’t like my boobs when I have to get in a bikini and how often is that?! Hardly ever. The rest of the time I couldn’t give a shit about my micro-tits. I quite like them this way. After all supermodels have tiny boobs and I can wear whatever the fuck I want. You know those little bralets that are all the rage at the minute. Yep,the ones Amelie and Clara can’t get their massive tits in…… well then there’s me! I’ve got one in every colour.
The young ferals have noticed my lack of boobs. Grandma ferals are huge and the ten year old young feral has told me

“Jenna in my class even has bigger ones than you”...

Sound. Yep! They really are that small guys.

So when he was younger he said to me,
“Mummy your boobs are like those pointy shells you find on the beach..”
I think he was referring to my post-breastfeeding coathanger nipples. So sly.



Right so back to the young ferals favourite topic! Yep, willies!
Now in our house we are pretty open. Showers with the doors open etc. Some people think this is weird around their kids, but I personally think that they are the weirdos! I mean, as the boys get older I probably won’t get changed as openly in front of them but right now I don’t see an issue.
Anyway they are fascinated by Mr C’s willy. It features heavily in a lot of their willy conversations. They can’t cope with how ‘massive’ it is! Well, don’t get me wrong he’s not a case off embarrassing bodies but ‘massive’ are the cocks you see on those packs of cards Clara brought back from Spain once. You know the ones. Honestly there is a fella on there and it’s down to his knee! Not lying! It’s fucking outrageous. Absolute vom!!!! (Clara sent over this picture for your viewing pleasure!)


Anyway they sometimes, not often, mention his willy to friends! Not embarrassing at all! On one occasion when we were holidaying with friends they blurted out

“my dad has a willy like a horse”
What the actual fuck!
Needless to say they got heavily bollocked.
I think they think that your body grows but your willy stays the same size.



The youngest feral child is such a cutie. Apart from when he’s talking about willies hanging out of people’s mouths. He’s only six and he does love his mummy lots. The elder feral child is all for his dad, so I needed to train the second boy child to be a mummy’s boy. And that, he definitely is! I’m really proud of my efforts here. He always tells me he loves me the most in what he calls our ‘secret chats’.
The new one is he wants to marry me…
He talks about this all the time. He thinks it’s perfectly normal to marry his mum.
I can’t break his heart and tell him it’s highly illegal and that we would definitely be locked up if we were to marry.
He tells every fucker too. He’s certain it will happen.



Whilst having the ‘sex’ chat with my eldest feral after him watching a video in school. He exclaimed he was never going to do ‘it’.


He was pondering over it when he asked nanny feral if she and grandad feral had ever had sex.
When she replied,

“of course we have, how do you think your mum and Uncle feral got here?”
He was mortified!
He came out with,
“But grandad hates you! Why would he do that?! He’s always shouting at you for buying cardigans and drinking wine!”


Absolute howls!!!!

Grandad feral is always shouting at nanny feral though. She is normally in a red wine coma come 8 o’clock! Often she falls asleep on the sofa and wakes him up at 1am  getting into bed. She missed the bake off final last week as she was totally pissed!
She does buy an awful lot of cardigans too. He once counted them whilst she was out. Forty eight there were and she always hides new purchases in my car boot, through fear of getting caught red handed with a new one.


Here’s a great one.
Holidaying a few years back we were in a rush to get down to dinner. To save some time, I jumped in the shower whilst the eldest feral child was in the bath. He was about five at the time. Mr C was wrestling the then baby feral into a nappy in the other room.
Little feral was watching me closely andlooking up from the bath  at me said,
“Mummy, look at your twink!”

A twink is a lady garden in our house btw.
“It looks like a chickens head!”
I presume he meant that rank red thing stuck on a chickens head not its actual head.
I was fucking crying laughing and slightly mortified at the same time.
I literally can’t cope with the comparison. I didn’t want to tell him that it was him and his brother that have caused this supposed damage to my vagina- which by the way I thought was in alright nick considering I had given birth to two babies. Obviously not.



We holidayed last year with the feral grandparents. The euros were on at the time.
We were only bed and breakfast so every lunch time we nipped out to a cafe bar not far from the hotel, we sometimes nipped in on our way home for a tipple or two if we had been out for the day. One day noticing it was absolutely packed, we decided not to pop in for our little night cap.
The England game was on so you can imagine the scene.
The young ferals wanted to know why we weren’t stopping there so I just just told them it was too busy.
The younger feral casually said he knew why we weren’t going……
“Because it’s full of dickheads!”
He actually wasn’t wrong but I still had to tell him his choice of words wasn’t very good.
Myself and Mr C are careful with our language in front of the boys so god knows where he got that from……..

I was horrified at dickhead but speaking to a friend last week she told me her three year old won’t stop swearing.

He said to his dad last week

“Move off the sofa you fat c**t!” 

So ‘dickhead’ isn’t too bad I suppose, in the grand scheme of things.



One time one of the young ferals told me grandad had taken him to a strip club!
I highly doubt this ever happened.
He’s ten years old.

He’d just come back from a footy trip with older boys. He later told me they had been talking about strip clubs, obviously all clueless to what they are.

“Yeah, yeah he took me to one in Manchester…”

Baring in mind he’s never been to Manchester on his own with grandad feral!

He was obviously just angling to know what these strip clubs are all about so I just replied with.
“It’s a pub where ladies dance”

He’s not mentioned it again, thank fuck.
I told grandad who was in stitches.


Aren’t children marvellous?!

Everyone must have funny stories like this that they want to share with us feral ladies.

Do your flaps look like a chickens head, has your ten year old been to a strip club?
Does your three year old say c**t?! (Arghhhhhhhhh)
Feel free to share. We won’t tell.


imageCopyright free images: pixabay

quotes: Typorama

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Petite Pudding

11 thoughts on “The Absolute Crackers kids come out with…#*$*

  1. Oh My!! This post has had me grateful I did my pelvic flaw exercises!! Now mine are older the innocence is gone, the teens quips are more sarcastic than cute and funny!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ha ha very good. My middle boy wants to marry me too and have lots of babies!!!! I keep telling him it can not happen but he is having none of it #sundaybest


  3. Haha! These all gave me a proper good laugh. Your boys are hilarious! Mine is just getting to this stage, although he has come out with some corkers, mainly to do with willies. Although yes, he has referred to his dad as a “dickhead” and did walk through the middle of town one day shouting “fucking fucking fucking fuck!!” Biggest cringe moment of my life…


    Liked by 1 person

  4. We are currently in the poopy phase – every sentence ends or begins with poopy…. But he did have me in stitches the other day when he shouted in the car ‘stop fannying about and just get out of the bloody way’….. hmmmm me thinks I need to watch the road rage eek! Loved this thanks for sharing with #EatSleepBlogRt

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ha ha ha, your stories made me chuckle! My daughters are 5 and 3, and both currently obsessed with poo. Yesterday my eldest informed me that she “dropped a real plopper” in the toilet while I was brushing my teeth… I can’t recall any embarassing swear situations, but my younger daughter has told her preschool teachers that Daddy pulls Mummy’s trousers down and smacks her bottom… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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