The shops are awash with lovehearts, cards and presents. So it’s just about that time of year where I get myself all hot under the collar and start ranting like a little bitch at ‘Valentine Wankers’.
As this is our first ‘Feral Valentine’s’ you get the honour of seeing it for the first time. I’d love to hear your thoughts! Comment below!
‘Valentine Wankers’ are terrible, pessimistic creatures that crawl out but once a year to try and make lovers feel like prize pricks!
BUT A-HA THE JOKE IS ON YOU VW’s! If you can’t embrace love for a day, just for the sake of it- then I feel sorry for you.💔
Common misnomers often stated by Valentine’s Wankers:
The first lot will say stupid shit like
“I love my husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend all year round so it’s bollocks.”
Oh, well that’s ok then. I only love mine on Valentine’s Day you see.
They will also spout things like…
“I love my husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend all year round so buying a bunch of flowers today is bollocks.”
Ah I see, that’s cleared it all up for me. I only love my husband on Valentine’s Day you see.
Then there’s another gang of pricks that go…
” its so commercial”
So is Christmas, give me back your present if that’s the case. Fucking misery guts, bore off.
There’s also a whole pack of jealous cows out there talking shit...
This is actually a whole other sub-category. I often find some of the worst Valentine Wankers are the women who have useless men. They are blatantly secretly embarrassed at how pants their partner is, so will try to put a dampener on everyone else’s fun.
They’ll moan and complain like…
“Why do people spend so much on this shit?”
Listen hun, some of the best gifts on Valentine’s Day are cheap, personal and handmade in my opinion, but I’m not going to say no to diamonds if they’re on offer – know what I’m saying? I applaud any man that goes above and beyond for his lady and vice-versa!
“Feel ashamed for the people posting their Valentines presents on here! #tacky”.
Do you yeah? Listen sunshine, it’s not my fault your fella is a bag of shite, I’m not a big fan of chocolate body paint myself but at least my one has had a go.
“Ewwww soppy! Vom!”
Awwww sorry girl, do you feel queasy? Excuse me while I find someone who gives a shit. Now fuck off and fume elsewhere- stop killing all my loving vibes.
“I don’t need any presents to know that my man loves me!”
True story. But a bit of effort doesn’t hurt does it? If he can’t even spare a fiver on a bit of lovey dovey tat …well you have every right to withhold that annual BJ. Fair’s fair.
Oh and last but not least the macho lad who turns your stomach with comments like:
“Never mind Valentine’s Day, it’s all about Steak and Blowjob day next month!”
THIS MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL. Vile human.
I mean… come on, ain’t no woman worth her salt buying into that shit. He can have a ‘Steak and count himself lucky he has a sexy bastard of a woman like me day’ and like it.
Now, if you are not a fan then that’s fine. Absolutely fine. But, just try not to go around pissing on everyone else’s red roses OK? It’s not my fault you’re tight as fuck.😜💚
I have been single on Valentine’s Day, many times. I still loved everything about it. I watched my parents exchange cards and love from a young age; they have been married over 35 years and the little things like this still matter to them.
Life is far too short. Make the most out of any opportunity to celebrate in my opinion.
So go on… stick on a bit of Barry White, pop that M&S dine for two meal in the oven and throw love around like confetti.
Share this with a valentine wanker, it’s never too late to change!
Happy Valentines Day,
Typorama and pixabay used for copyright free images.
Amended after a collaboration guest blog on Scouse Bird Blogs. Click here for her post on Valentine’s style.