Ten ways to spot a greedy bastard


My husband and I are cut from the same cloth when it comes to eating. We share similar ideas about what we want from life. He understands that when I say I want a party tea, I’m not talking about a couple of butties and a sausage roll, I want the works. I need him to spend £30 minimum on junk food!

This got me to thinking about the inception of my eating career and how it’s progressed through the years.
As a child it was a fight for survival in my house living with a gang of food lovers with big appetites (my dad will cut a cake in half for his slice…a big cake like a Victoria sandwich- not kidding!) I have also gone on to marry a food dustbin with a crazy sweet tooth (who is currently averaging two Easter eggs a day!)


This inspired me to create these handy tips – Ten ways to spot a greedy bastard.

But don’t be fooled…

Greedy bastards are in disguise, you will not know they are greedy just on sight alone. There are subtle signs you may or may not pick up on:

1. Greedy bastards NEVER have chocolate or biscuits to offer to you with a cuppa. Don’t be fooled into thinking they are ‘clean eaters’ (actual vom at that expression though) …No, no, no they wouldn’t have anything to offer you because they have eaten it all. They generally don’t have a home stock of goodies for this reason and will usually have to frequent the corner shop for their delicious treats each night.


2. Greedy bastards will buy a pack of 16 mini rolls and divide the number of mini rolls by the number of greedy bastards present to find out how many you will each be gifted. If there are four greedy bastards present congratulations you will get four each. These mini rolls must be eaten straight away and not saved. Greedy bastards do NOT save chocolate.


3. Greedy bastards get mad when people bring shit food to a party…look, no one fucking wants a bowl of salad or cous cous on the buffet. Get to fuck with your shit offering. We want complex carbohydrates and we want them now.


4. Greedy bastards will have memories of their childhood dolly actually being called ‘Greedy’ because they thought it was a pretty girls name- as that’s what they used to get called when they were stuffing their face. In no way is this story about me. ☺️😊


5. Greedy bastards will eat their delicious treats slowly in company. Don’t be fooled into thinking they are not that greedy because they’re eating without speed. Oh hell no, what they are actually doing is matching your pace because they can’t stand the thought of having no chocolate left while you are still enjoying yours, do you see?


6. Greedy bastards ADORE the self-serve machines in McDonalds. This is a wonderful new device which allows greedy bastards to order six burgers each without shame! (You don’t even have to pretend you’ve ordered meals for other people who are waiting patiently at home!)


7. You can mostly spot greed bastards in Co-op stores at around 8pm, they will look desperate and/or excited as they scan the aisles. They will usually have a basket in hand which will contain a variety of treats such as chocolate bars, chocolate mousse, ice cream and pastries.


8. Greedy bastards are they type of people that can’t just have a meal each when they go to a restaurant. They have a meal each and then one to share in the middle teamed with starters and side dishes galore. They will guffaw… “We don’t eat like this often, we are going for it today for a change” or make excuses like “oh we didn’t have lunch today!” Or spin some other similar bullshit story.


9. Greedy bastards hate it when people suggest that they share food. This is because a greedy bastard will know what is good and want it all to themselves. In greedy bastard world, when it comes to food- sharing is NOT caring.


10. Greedy bastards are happy bastards. They will always have a smile on their face!


So now you know. Are you a greedy bastard? Do you know one?

Love Amelie


Pictures pixabay. Typorama used.


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