I don’t mean to sound like an absolute dick here but I am a real life Cheshire housewife.
I live in Cheshire and I’m a housewife.
I don’t mean like the ones you see on the telly in all that made up bullshit. Just a normal one.
Mr C goes out and grafts as a footballer and I get to stay at home and do all the shitty jobs about the house and look after the youngsters……..amongst other things. I will get to that later.
I’ve got it pretty good to be honest, I can’t complain. Apart from the fact I hate cleaning……..and my children, some of the time.
The only downside is that when Mr C retires in a couple of years I’m going to have to go out to work, so it’s swings and roundabouts really.
So mostly apart from a few chores in the day and all the after school guff I have to put up with with the young ferals I mainly have a marvellous time during school hours.
So here are my top Cheshire housewife essentials.
I sort of fucking hate it and love it at the same time, but I drink a lot and eat a lot and you have to burn that shit off.
Also, I’m the wrong side of 30 now and the extreme calories I consume are getting harder and harder to shift.
Cellulite is becoming even more of a bastard to keep at bay and I find the gym is a great way of escaping from the feral children for an hour or so aswell.
I go four times a week and I don’t go for fitness really. I go to look good naked. Know what I’m saying.
Vain I know, but seriously, nobody wants a fat arse.
I’ve met some nice people there too.
This is usually with the retired feral mother.A lot of time is spent with old mummy dear.
To be honest, I don’t have that many friends that live near me. Probably down to the fact I have extreme resting bitch face and a huge dislike for people in general. Amelie needs to hurry the fuck up and have her baby so I can lunch with her too. I love newborns especially when I can give them back. Clara lives the closest to me, in Manchester and I do see her quite a lot for hair cuts and catch ups – but she works full time which is socially unacceptable for me.
I don’t like to get too pally with the school mums. As lovely as some of them are, they are gossiping bastards. (Playground politics- read more here!!) Fine for play dates with the kids once in a while but I ain’t going to be telling them my shit anytime soon. Know what I mean.
I go out as often as I can (funds permitting) and enjoy some nice grub and maybe a glass of wine or two.
It beats lunch for one in my house and I think I could be classed as an alcoholic if I had a glass of wine under those circumstances.
Seriously though afternoon drinking is the best! Even if it is just the one. And it’s fine if your eating out……right?!
After school activities……. FML
I may have odd jobs, you know, a few errands to attend to and what not in the day; a touch of cleaning and stuff. But, shit gets real when I pick the young ferals up from school!
The only free night, actually make that free day is a Monday. Which we all know is the shittest day of the week. Ace.
My favourite day (sarcasm) is Friday. I pick feral 1 up from school at 3:15 then have to go back at 4:15 to collect feral 2 from after school club, then I have to get over to Liverpool for feral 1’s footy training which starts at 6pm. So with Friday traffic I probably leave at 4:45. I sit there for 2 hours then finally get in at around 8:30pm! So then it’s food, shower and bed for the minis and I probably don’t sit down until 10pm and I go to bed at that time generally… so that’s just fucking marvellous.
My other weekly highlights are Saturday and Sunday mornings. We are normally up and out of the house for 9am to take the young ferals to football matches and the like.
So I may have fun gallivanting about in the week during the day time but my nights and weekends are totally fucked up.
As well as working all week Mr C usually works Saturdays and a few Sundays too so I find myself doing the dreaded weekend shift on my own.
Shopping! Being hugely stereotypical aren’t I?
But, I ain’t shopping in selfridges bitches…….well, not all the time anyway.
I am a self confessed fashion whore. Trafford centre is my usual destination of choice. It’s fairly easy to park there and only 20 minutes down the road. You can’t beat that for convenience.
Mr C bollocks me every week, but it’s all going to stop soon when Mr C is jobless. Poor bastard.
I’m literally obsessed with Zara at the minute and who ever decided to make the Trafford centre Zara a flagship store! I salute you. Fucking marvellous work.
My frequent shopping trips are not completely pointless. I have dabbled abit in the past with visual merchandising (before you think I’m a complete lazy bitch) and I loved it! Unfortunately my last boss was an insufferable arsehole, so I left.
I want to get back into the fashion world at some stage, so I like to call my little shopping sprees research too.
I’m not allowed a cleaner! Mr C says if I’m not working I can’t have one. Fair enough like.
Still hate it though.
With three boys in the house I am forever mopping piss up from around the toilet. Winds me up something rotten. Literally sick to death of paddling in urine. This is an extreme pet hate of mine.
Mr C says hunching over to wash up ‘ does his back in’ so I’m forever fucking washing up too, that and emptying the dishwasher.
It also doesn’t help the dog sheds hair at an epic rate. Little twat! So the hoover is out constantly too. Word of advice, if you hate dog hair, like me, DO NOT buy a pug!
How one tiny dog can produce so much hair is beyond me.
A day does not go by where I am not washing, ironing, tidying……. bore off!
Keeping up appearances
You have to look the part. It’s no good looking like a frumpy fucker when you have so much time on your hands to actually make an effort!
My pet hate is people with dirty, shit nails. I always get mine done. Have to, can’t bear it!
I go to the Chinese nail salon and risk getting aids but it’s a small price to pay for beautiful hands on a budget.
I get my eyebrows done every month too.
I need to because everyone knows that good brows frame your face! And your face is on show all the time. So you dont want to look like a scruffy dog. Simples.
I get my hair cut and coloured religiously every six weeks.
Over the past couple of years I have started noticing more and more grey hairs. They are now outrageous and I can’t be doing with it!!!
Clara is in a similar boat to me with the greys so we get a mobile hairdresser round to hers of an evening, get pissed and get our hair done. I will never ever go back to a salon!
A) because mobile is loads cheaper.
B) because it’s really convienient when you have kids that do a million after school activities!
C) Clara and I can have a catch up over 3 or so bottles of prosecco.
This is really about as far as it goes for me. Beauty is expensive shit! (Oh pedicures in the summer months too ) If Mr C let me have a real free reign he would be in huge trouble financially.
I’d be booking spa days left right and centre. But the reality is I’ve never been to a spa and I’ve only ever had one massage. Mr C booked that for me once and I’m pretty sure he only did it because he had royally pissed me off! Creep!
Might have dabbled in a spot of Botox too, just the once like…… see what it’s all about.
I do binge watch series on the odd occasion. I have to write off errands for a week or two and live in a shithole, but that’s fine.
I did the whole six series’ of the walking dead in two weeks. The house was vile, but needs must. I’ve got to get that shit in when the kids are in school. The evenings are spent at kids clubs and I like to spend time with Mr C where possible, and he doesn’t really do series watching. He ain’t got time for that and I normally leave him behind because I can’t wait for him. Amelie and I laugh about this, because she does the same with Mr S! Snooze you loose.
So there you are. That’s about it to be honest!
Not really all that interesting.
I’m just a vain bastard with a love of food, wine and box sets.
I’m lucky enough to not have to cram it into my evenings and weekends. Winning! (Total respect for all full time working parents! You are absolute legends!)
Are you a housewife? What do you get up to?
Or do you have preschoolers ruining your daytime fun?
Let us know.