So I think it’s pretty self explanatory from previous blog posts and our Twitter feed- that I’m a loose canon. Even more so when inebriated. I’m more like a wild animal that has escaped from a zoo, to be honest. I don’t know how I get into these situations. I’m a big kid at heart, like my dad, he’s 71 going on 21. I’m 31 going on 15!
As the youngest of four kids I was always able to get away with being mischevious and now I’m pretty much the same.
Some of these things I have definitely had no control over- I swear some of this weird shit just happened to me!!
Yep, I once woke up in a toilet in Liverpool in a nightclub. Society, to be precise. (Does anyone remember society face? The face you had to pull to fit in in there whilst pretending you weren’t a poor student?)
This was fun. Amelie and I were about twenty and had been on an all day bender in Liverpool, smashing in cheap wine in the Rat and Parrot. We ended up going clubbing (how old school does that sound?) and were in the loo later on. We went in the same cubicle (obvs!) and while chatting endless shit we realised we were both knackered. We decided to lie on the floor and have a five minute rest. As you do. Marvellous. We were both happily curled up like babies asleep in a fucking bog, that’s how pissed we were! If I remember correctly there was some spooning; we had to adapt to a very small space. After what seemed like ten minutes a bouncer was banging the door down and screaming for us to get out, I think he actually thought we were on smack or something. We walked out and there was no one left… We had basically been asleep for about two hours and the club was now shut.
The kip sorted us right out though and we headed straight to Geminis takeaway for pizza and chips and cheese, Which enabled us to carry on to ‘Funky box 2’ for some excellent dancing.
This is technically Mr Js fault for being with me, he knows what I’m like! 😂
We went out to the Star and garter in Manchester for a Smiths disco with all his mates. Back then I didn’t know them and I was a bit nervous, I sooooooo wanted all of his mates to like me and not to think their pals bird was an utter tit.
Needless to say, I got absolutely steaming and can’t remember much, but I do remember being on the dance floor with Mr J and his mates having a good time bouncing around like a knob and suddenly out of nowhere I projectile vomited all over his new limited addition wldly expensive adidas trainers. (Click here to read how much Mr J values his trainers!) Oops. In front of everyone! I hardly ever get embarrassed by vomming but I was by this 🙈
He wasn’t even fit I just literally snogged him because he was a teacher and it was bare hilare. Even I find this quite scandalous. It was obviously many years ago now because I’m the wrong side of 30.
I was clubbing on a Wednesday night even though I had school the next day, and I saw this teacher in the club. We recognised each other, got talking and had a few drinks. He was flirting and we ended up snogging somehow (it’s all very hazy, I’ve never possessed the gift!)
He actually even invited me back to his place-from what I can actually remember! The dirty bastard. I didn’t go, phew!
There were a few other students in the club that night who basically told everyone that we kissed too. Word got round and he ended up getting fired. Awks.
I can’t explain this. Let’s just leave it there. It was during Amelie’s Blackpool hen do. You had to be there. Sort of.
I’ve travelled on my own several times.
This is outrageous because most days I struggle to get through the day without some form of help or guidance (usually from Mr J but Amelie and Freya too). I can’t cook, I can’t make the bed unaided and I struggle opening a bottle of prosecco without fucking it up or killing myself. When Mr J goes away for a few days he has to leave me a meal plan.
I first left the country alone at seventeen and went to stay with my mate who had moved to Canada, we spent the whole time drinking and smoking weed. I would never do that now (the weed part!) …I’m so old and sensible now! 🤔
I’ve also been to New York and Thailand alone. I’m astounded that I made it back in one piece!
They have tattoo parlours everywhere in Thailand. They’re more like social clubs, people drinking and chatting waiting their turn. No one cares if you’re completely pissed or can’t walk, they have no rules and regulations! No one questions what tattoo you’re getting, they literally don’t give a shit as long as you have the dollar. I was with a fellow traveller I had met earlier on that morning and we had been drinking all day and all night in Koh phi phi. At about midnight my new friend decided she wanted to get a tattoo of footprints on her foot.
I don’t know why, but I then also decided to get a peace sign tattooed with bamboo on my ribs. Probably got aids from it, ace. I remember drinking the whole time and it numbed the pain a bit.
In the morning I was hanging and at first I thought I must have fallen over and cut myself, but when I looked I saw my top had stuck to the oozy tattoo while I was sleeping. Minging.
I didn’t take care of the tattoo because I was backpacking and didn’t give a shit. In the end it turned blue and looked weird so I had to get an even bigger tattoo over the top to rectify it.
Do you know what though even though it was seven years ago, I have no regrets and think it’s ace.
Amelie and I used to enjoy a post-piss up dip in random hotel pools. On one occasion the security guard didn’t take too kindly to it, shouting obscenities out us so we hopped out sharpish and he basically chased us down a main road for about a mile… We were underwear clad and crying laughing with our clothes in our arms. Good times!
This was one of the biggest all day benders that I’d ever had. It was my birthday weekend earlier on this year and I had started drinking on the Saturday lunch time and didn’t stop until last orders on the Sunday night. We went out all day and night on the piss and I got absolutely steaming, had a few hours sleep and then on the Sunday morning Amelie and Freya took me for a birthday breakfast that turned into a massive all day session. Have you ever had a foundation wine with your breakfast when you’re hungover? It’s fabulous trust me. Do it.
So, I rolled into work on the Monday morning and was still completely arseholed. I looked like I needed about ten showers and needed a million paracetamols. All of the big bosses were in that day, so luckily my manager sent me home and I was able to have a days holiday. I’m a twat for not booking that day off in the first place.
Just in general. This is my thing. I’ve gotten into a habit of being inappropriate and getting a reaction out of people. I love making people laugh and it encourages me to get extremely feral, I enjoy shocking people with my behaviour.
I also like encouraging people to say “come on my tits” and such like! Read about how I nearly got us into a spot of bother in Rome with this one here!
I can’t whisper either, that is forbidden. If I have something feral to say….everyone must hear it.
Are you a bit crazy like me? What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done? Comment below!