So let’s face it ferallers we are all loving a retro vibe of late! With that in mind, I was inspired to have a think about some classic little tasty treats and beverages to buy in for the festive season. Things we have all had in our house at Christmas since we were kids!
Lets crack on….
Now come on, this one is literally so fucking retro it hurts.
Splash a bit of that shit in a glass of Coke/lemonade and you’re set for the evening. It’s really strong and really festive ‘cos it’s got cherries in it….innit?
It ain’t christmas until you’re sharing a packet of mini rolls with your family watching ‘Home Alone 2’. Get jam ones, ain’t nobody got time for unjammed ones. What nonsense.
If you’re anything like my family you will get a pack of 12 divide it by however many people are there and then eat them all in one go. See this post for more information if you are a greedy bastard.
Just buy them in… No fucker will ever eat them because they’re basically rank. But, we all know it isn’t Christmas until you’ve looked through the cupboard and spotted them sitting proudly there next to the orange Jacobs cracker box.
Dirty little tin of the most delicious jellied meat you’ve ever known. No shame in it. You may not even open it, just knowing you have it in the cupboard is probably enough.
Piccalilli is essentially the arsehole of all condiments… But you know for a fact you’re going to stick a spoonful on your plate to accompany cheese, pate and biscuits on Christmas night. That jar will then sit in the cupboard until next Christmas when you discover you have cultivated an illuminous disgusting slime creature on reopening.
Archers/Peach schnapps and lemonade
This drink will take you back to the good old days. Have a laugh and reminisce with friends about your underage drinking days where you would mooch round the pubs in your black trouser/diamonte/shirt and tie outfit. The days when you thought you were the absolute beans and in fact you were actually a dickhead in shit black trousers drinking archers and lemonade. Tight.
Pigs in blankets
As a snack or as part in of your main meal. Enjoy.
My nanna used to make a proper trifle. I’m not talking about no fancy kumquat and creme brûlée number with crystallised bellends. I’m talking real traditional. Cream, custard, jelly, sponge, tinned fruit made with a hand whisk… you know the drill. Perfect.
But it’s ok if you just fancy buying one from the Asda they’re good too, as long as it’s got hundreds and thousands or a crumbled flake on the top you’re good to go.
They’re horribly unacceptable at any other time of year so indulge now while you can.
Because once you pop you just can’t stop. I never ever buy these at any other time of year. But if your crisps don’t come in a tube at Yuletide you’ve got it all wrong.
Jars of pickled onions and beetroot
As with piccalilli, you will pop these onto your cheese plate at about 7pm and then scrape them back off your plate into the bin at 8pm… But still, it’s gotta be done!
Everyone has a box of these at Christmas don’t they!? Personally, I think they’re a pile of wank. But I appreciate the necessity of them. Throw a couple of boxes into your trolley- someone will love them. Even if it’s just for the after eight challenge!
A tin of quality street is an absolute must. If you’re not eating chocolate all day long is it even Christmas Day? No one likes the gold toffee ones do they? Absolute shit them, that’s why.
It’s such a strangely moreish little product isn’t it? Don’t even know what it’s made out of really- nuts, peas, tasty little stick things and hopes&dreams? Yummy. So 80’s!
Advocat and lemonade such a dreadful little combination. But a staple tradition in many homes. My husband has one on Christmas morning in honour of his late Nan. Cute. I will stick to my Buck’s Fizz, but that’s just me.
Leads me swiftly on to…
Champers and orange juice…I wouldn’t wash my toilet with Buck’s Fizz for 364 days of the year but pass me one on Christmas morning and I’m your absolute best mate. Easy on the orange juice though knobhead!
So there we go, a few eats and drinks to put a smile on your feral face this festive season! What I like to call ‘shouldn’t but woulds’!
Can you think of any others?
Merry Christmas kids!
Title image: Credit to -https://www.retrochristmascardcompany.com
Check them out! Some hilarious and amazing cards to buy if you’re reading in the states!😍😂